Behold, my child, the questionnaire…

The following poem has been on the bulletin board in the mailroom of the sociology department at Princeton for as long as I’ve been here.  I’m not sure how many students have ever stopped to read it, and since I can’t find a trace of it on the internet, I thought I’d post it.

It’s cruder than your average JG material (so consider yourself warned), but it’s too good to pass up, especially if the note at the end is true.

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SURVEY RESEARCH

The little men in untold legions
Descend upon the private regions.
Behold, my child, the questionnaire,
And be as honest as you dare.
    “As briefly as possible, kindly state
    Age and income, height and weight,
    Sex (M or F); sex of spouse
    (spouses–list).  Do you own your own house?
How much of your income goes for rent?
Give racial background, by percent.
Have you had, or are you now having
Orgasm?  Or thereunto a craving?
Will Christ return?  If so, when?
(kindly fill this out in pen)
Do you masturbate? In what style?
(fill and return the enclosed vial)
Do you eat, or have you eaten
Feces? Whose? And were you beaten?
    Was your mother? Sister? Dog?
    (attach descriptive catalogue.)
    Have you mystic inspiration?
    Our thanks for your cooperation.”
Distended now with new-got lore,
Our plump and pleasant men-of-war
Torture whimsey into fact,
And then, to sanctify the act,
Cast in gleaming, ponderous rows
Ingots of insipid prose.
A classic paper! Soon to be
Rammed down the throats of such as we.

Written anonymously by non-respondent #5542 in lieu of a returned questionnaire for the Demerath-Lutterman study of campus religion and student values, 1972.